I wish Upon a star

I wish upon a star.
That a day shall come when i walk hand in hand
Down the aisle covered in red rose petals.
In an open summer field of bright sun.
Looking forward to kneeling at the altar.
O how i envision the smiles and the joy all around me.
The presence of friends and family
Well wishers and co-workers
The day i shall look into the eyes of that who i call soul mate
The day when two becomes one
The day two families unite with a lifelong bond.
I know it's just a wish for now.
The reality is i work down the dirty road
Covered in verbal and physical abuse
In a grey rainy field
Being pushed further and further away from the altar
We both run from those who hate our love.
Our families yes are united to our division
But if anything i hold on to this love which we share
This love that lights the dark room we are locked in
This love that feeds me in this period of starvation.
I push forward each day with this love on my mind
The truth is that which i wish for,
Is done each time i lay in your arms and look in your eyes
Is done when i hear you speak
Your love is the summer in this rain.
The star upon which i wished is you.

I dedicate this piece to all those going through issues with family.

The African Coming Out Effect

There has been a lot of topics about sexuality and family. I know the strength and power family plays in the African culture, it is one that brings us to a cross road when it comes to our sexuality. The main concern about being open is not about us but how would our family be treated. This is common irrespective of where in the world they are, they still carry the same values. They are more concerned about what would people say about then than how you would be accepted within the family. There are things to consider when these issues come up:
1. It is important to know that as it took you time to accept who you are, so would it take time for them to accept the fact about who you are.
2. Family would eventually come around and accept you but rarely would they accept you fully. Some would let you know that they love you but do not fully accept your way of life.
3. There would be the spiritual phase, this would happen immediately when they would seek spiritual help to "cleanse" you. This stage depends strongly on your age and your family. 
4. This is particular to young folks they might see it as a "phase" that you might fade out from. This is where i try and talk to people, because it is very sensitive it causes a lot of confusion in one minds and if care is not taking might lead to one being homophobic while being homosexual.
5. The adults in this period would have the "opposite sex" pressure. Now what i mean is when the family believes that if she/he gets married and has sex with the opposite sex the situation would stop. In some cases they bring about forced marriage.
6. They might tell you to leave the house and do not return and thinking you would be repentive and come and apologize saying you are now straight.
(to be continued)

PS: No matter what you go through push hard and be determined to be successful in what you do.

I am not a label

I am not a label

I am not a classification

I have been classified all my life

My tribe

My nationality

My accent

My race

Classified classified classified

I have lost my personality to these classifications

I am now classified based on my sexuality

I wonder would I ever be known for my personality

I am meant to fit a certain stereotype

Walk this way

Sit this way

Talk this way

Be this way be that way

I scream let me out of this classification I ask

I came to my own and then I am further classified

Top!!!

Bottom!!!

Versatile!!!

Effeminate!!!

Masculine!!!

I am not any of the above

They say you are act like a woman

I say I have a dick so I am a man

They say I am unnatural

I say I am a human with no abnormal body parts

I am me not a label

WHO ARE YOU?????

I am MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!

  I hope we all look beyond classification and labels. Being who we are is enough classification, do not cause further damage.

Much Love Red Winers

I am

 I so disagree with you. My sexual orientation is not a practice or a choice. I am doing nothing wrong. I have lost so much because i refuse to be what society says i should be. I am happy i am where i am right now. I am gay proud and out. I am very active in the gay community where i live. Now are you judging based on religion or morality? If homosexual is wrong then is it the religious organizations along the Lagos Ibadan expressway that are more concerned with quantity of members instead of making the road more passable and improve quality. Is it the so called Don and Doyen in the industries that steal money and make donations while the religious organizations make them leaders and all. I witnessed how the church made my Dad a leader and elder and all that based on money, because he was far from a "Christian". I ask again on what grounds do you make your statement. If it is based on your religion then bro speak for yourself. There are over a million religion in this world. We all have different belief system so please speak for yourselves.

There are so many wrong going on in our society that Homosexual is the least. If my child is gay then we live with it. I have told my family that a Sister (daughter)in-law is so out of the question. Live your life for yourself bro because nobody would do it for you. I have run the race i am fighting the good fight. all i can tell you is that it gets better. I have overcome the "i hate myself" stage. The real choice is whether you compromise your happiness for pleasing society. When i told my dad's elder sister all she said was as long as i do what i want to do and i am happy. Then fuck what people say. If you marry would society come to your house to help out. Would society be the one to pay the bills. Would society give happiness.

I am a gay Nigerian and got no shame in my life. I am independent pay my bills and strong willed. I am a man, a brother, a son , a grand son, a friend, a co worker. My sexuality does not change me. I am me a man of life and prosperity. A man not conformed by the ideology of others but by finding the truth in his search for joy. Have a good one.

 I am an ordained pastor for nearly 10 years. The word of God is so strong and it shall do that it was sent to do. I want you to know that God loves you for who you are. He knew you right from your mother's womb. He knows the end for the beginning. It is a sad thing that Nigeria is a society based on religious folks and not spiritual folks. God loves you for who you are. The sin is when you lie everyday for who you are. The sin is going to church pretending to be who you are not in worship. The bible says John 4:24 (New International Version)
24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” If you act heterosexual and marry but deep inside you still have the true you then it's a sin. I watched my family hurt by cheating and it is not a good thing. I wish i could talk to you one on one and not via message. It get's better bro belief me. I decided to be the real me from Nigeria before i came here. I had to stop going to church so that i can discover who i am. Brother life is beautiful life is awesome as a gay person. You should not live by your sexuality but by your personality. You are a brother, a friend, a cousin, a son, a grand child, a classmate a co-worker and an Image if God.

 I so disagree with you. My sexual orientation is not a practice or a choice. I am doing nothing wrong. I have lost so much because i refuse to be what society says i should be. I am happy i am where i am right now. I am gay proud and out. I am very active in the gay community where i live. Now are you judging based on religion or morality? If homosexual is wrong then is it the religious organizations along the Lagos Ibadan expressway that are more concerned with quantity of members instead of making the road more passable and improve quality. Is it the so called Don and Doyen in the industries that steal money and make donations while the religious organizations make them leaders and all. I witnessed how the church made my Dad a leader and elder and all that based on money, because he was far from a "Christian". I ask again on what grounds do you make your statement. If it is based on your religion then bro speak for yourself. There are over a million religion in this world. We all have different belief system so please speak for yourselves.

There are so many wrong going on in our society that Homosexual is the least. If my child is gay then we live with it. I have told my family that a Sister (daughter)in-law is so out of the question. Live your life for yourself bro because nobody would do it for you. I have run the race i am fighting the good fight. all i can tell you is that it gets better. I have overcome the "i hate myself" stage. The real choice is whether you compromise your happiness for pleasing society. When i told my dad's elder sister all she said was as long as i do what i want to do and i am happy. Then fuck what people say. If you marry would society come to your house to help out. Would society be the one to pay the bills. Would society give happiness.

I am a gay Nigerian and got no shame in my life. I am independent pay my bills and strong willed. I am a man, a brother, a son , a grand son, a friend, a co worker. My sexuality does not change me. I am me a man of life and prosperity. A man not conformed by the ideology of others but by finding the truth in his search for joy. Have a good one.

 I am an ordained pastor for nearly 10 years. The word of God is so strong and it shall do that it was sent to do. I want you to know that God loves you for who you are. He knew you right from your mother's womb. He knows the end for the beginning. It is a sad thing that Nigeria is a society based on religious folks and not spiritual folks. God loves you for who you are. The sin is when you lie everyday for who you are. The sin is going to church pretending to be who you are not in worship. The bible says John 4:24 (New International Version)
24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” If you act heterosexual and marry but deep inside you still have the true you then it's a sin. I watched my family hurt by cheating and it is not a good thing. I wish i could talk to you one on one and not via message. It get's better bro belief me. I decided to be the real me from Nigeria before i came here. I had to stop going to church so that i can discover who i am. Brother life is beautiful life is awesome as a gay person. You should not live by your sexuality but by your personality. You are a brother, a friend, a cousin, a son, a grand child, a classmate a co-worker and an Image if God.

THE BALLARD GOODBYE

THE BALLARD GOODBYE

I have held on too long to you

I have cried too many tears for you

I have hurt too much for you

I realize the end is now

It Hurts to say good bye

I remember the first time I saw you

Your smile was melting

Your eyes were mesmerizing

Your voice weakened my knees.

Then the journey started

We had dreams

We had passion

We had love

Then came the bumps along the journey

I stood by you

I bore the hurt

I cried the tears

I held on

Then the smooth road came

You moved on

You changed suddenly

I have come to the awakening that this is just an illusion relationship

I have come to the realization that real love means to let go

I have come to the truth that it ended as soon as it began

My love

My Boo

My man

I say goodbye to you today

I cry tears of a heartbreak

I sleep a sleep of loneliness

This is just for a while

I shall rise

The lessons you taught me stays with me

The love you showed me I share to all

The positive vibe you gave me I carry on

The negative vibe you gave me I leave it behind

I sing a Ballard of goodbye

Good bye My love

                                                                   The Ballard Goodbye

ore about it later. I have realized that illusion sucks and is deceptive. Now I am back stronger and wiser. I have so much to share.

So I have been gone a very long time a lot has happened. In September some people outed me to my parents and I was banned from the house. I would write m

Ok I want to start a Question and Answer section. Anyone interested send me a question. email to coolafricangay@yahoo.com

Dear Amara

I came across an article by a Nigerian journalist on Homosexual Nigerian men and women. I had no other option but to reply her. I am always in a laughing fit each time i read an article on such issues by Africans and the replies cracks me up. well read and enjoy the response.
 Here are the links to the article
http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2010/08/06/men-and-homosexuality/
http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2010/08/10/women-and-lesbianism/
Hi Amara
 I have never read your article but came across it today. I am not surprised by your "article". I would recommend you go back to writing school. It lacked an intro body and a conclusion. it was more like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle no head no tail. That being aside i would like to ask for those whose religion is not your Christian religion do you respect their opinion.
Now let's talk about the issue on same gender relationship. I am a proud gay Nigerian man open about my sexuality and confident in who i am.  This did not come easy for me, to be honest. I have had to deal with people like you all my life. People who are quick to judge and ready to condemn without taking time out to understand, I can boldly tell you that i never choose to be gay okay. I have tried everything from prayer, fasting deliverance and all that and still no change. I have been to all the major churches in Nigeria seen all the pastors and prophets still no change. I hated myself and lived in denial, i hurt myself and attempted suicide and still i am gay. I am a Christian and love god so much that i preach His gospel. The gospel of God is not of hate but of love. It is a gospel filled with joy and peace and not fear and anger. The issue of Sodom and Gomorrah was never homosexuality i would like to see the word in your bible OK. I preach to people and they get saved. I lay hand on the sick and they get ill. I was surprised when u said that Christians do this to get "juju" for miracles. I doubt you are educated from that statement or you bribed your way through college.
A quick question on culture and what is African and UnAfrican. Is Christianity or Islam African? These same western people that you condemn fr Homosexual rise in the world are the ones that brought their religion and imposed it on us. They brought technology, clothes and all that you are wearing and using now as well. You want o dine eating their food drinking their drinks driving their car, yet you say we copy everything they have. I would be damned to see you got out all things westernized in your life and go back to the era before the westerners came to Nigeria. In doing so you would realize that same sex relationship is so African and part of our history and heritage.
I would not be surprised if you have a homosexual child, i wonder if you would kill him/her or love the child.
Homosexual are normal, it is only a perverted mind that would look at the sexual aspect which i guess you are since all you see is sex. There is the emotional attraction involved. I tried dating women but i was not being honest in my relationship to them. I was always looking for that extra something i could not get from them.
 i have never used my sexuality for any monetary or given anyone monetary compensation OK I knew i was sexually attracted to the same sex right from when i was young. I was not scared abused or molested. My father was not absent in my life or anything like that OK I have brothers and sisters who are heterosexual. My happiness is more important to me than trying to live a make believe world. I am glad my family is not expecting any daughter-in-law from me, because ain't none coming to them but a son-in-law.
 Talking about how women hit on you and you run away then i am sure you open up your legs when men hit on you and warm their beds right. in fact this is a waste of time replying your biased article. Go seek knowledge.

Eddie Long

The crime is really not in the sexual activity, but in the condemnation of an act that he fully knows is not a chioce. There is no crime if he came out and said this is what he does, there would be more support. The crime is the preaching o...f hate and condemnation , using his power of authority to promote a propaganda that creates generations and generations of ignorant haters. This would be a test to the church community at large let's see how they would react. I can bet all this conservative churches would begin to talk trash.I for one i would gladly accept him as a pastor and would respect him for that. I pray he keeps his calling and agrees to his sexuality, i would be willing to become his church memeber then. Man is flesh Christians should realize that.

 

 

 

Biased

Sexuality is really complicated...it is funny how it is ok for "str8" people to admire each other and be explicit about sex, but being gay is wrong. It is funny how parents would  rather let their children be sexually active at a young age and guy can have multiple sex partners but being gay is wrong. It is shocking that teenage pregnancy is accepted but being gay is wrong. What you think?

We had dreams and ambition but now it seems like the winters past.

I was talking to a friend and he complained about his partner for three years. I have heard this worries among alot of friends irregardless of sexuality when it comes to relationship even marriage. My female friend complained how her fiance was talking to his baby mama at her back and she kicked him out. There are instances when our hearts are troubled in trust for the one we want to be with. The fear of trust is one that we all have to bear and pray we have the strength to hold on to. I dedicate this poem to all the those who have the fear of trust in them.

I need to know

I need to know do you think about me the way I do about you?

I need to know why you tricked my heart into believing when it is just a facade?

I need to know if you know how much I wanna care and love you?

I need to know why I can't seem to ignore you and act like you don't exist?

I need to know why the sudden change towards me?

I need to know if there is someone else?

I need to know where I stand in your life?

I need to know if you would ever give me a chance to be your lover?

I need to know if you take me for a fool?

I need to know whether I would ever see you again?

I need to know if you yearn to see me the way I yearn to see you?

I need to know the truth and nothing but the truth?

Not knowing the truth hurts me so much.

I pray that you all find peace like i do when it comes to dating. We should all try to put the past in the past.

Love you all

Stallion

The look in your eyes when we had our first love kiss was nothing but memorable.

I yearn for that once more. To lay with you till the break of dawn.

I want to feel the intense of our sex craving for each others body.

The touch of your fingers all over my body

The soft tender lips of yours on my mouth

To feel the Stallion rise from a flat soft mound to the strong hard rock

The veins on the Stallion visible and glistening in ebony glory

The feel of the Stallion in my mouth

I remember the moaning of pleasure as I worshiped the Stallion

The oral liquid bathing the Stallion in worship

Oh Master I could still feel you stroking my hair as I washed your Stallion

Oh what a beautiful moment of ecstasy

When the juice of the Stallion gushed out

It erupted like a volcano

The earth trembled like an earthquake

I felt happy to give pleasure to the Stallion.

Oh how I yearn for such again my Stallion.

Carrying Over Hurt

It hurts when people bring the negativity of their past relationship into their present and hurting the other person. They have all this negative events that caused their past break up and bring it into the present is a way of pushing the new person away. I have noticed that “ I have been there and do not want to get hurt again” is a popular line when it comes to dating. I personally always let the past be the past I let go of it all and concentrate on the present. I would not bring any negative issue from previous relationships into the present. I believe in giving everyone a chance to get to know me. I wonder if it's why I am friends with all my ex. I just want to encourage all those who carry these ideas that time is a healer give the new person a chance to truly love you and be honest to you. I always feel hurt when I date people who have an issue letting go, but I have learned from standing by them that patience is a very strong virtue. I would wait patiently with you while you heal from your hurt. I would accept the mood swings and changes and allow you to pursue your dream. All is ask for is to be given the opportunity to love you and show it.

African Gay Experience

Stages of a Gay Relationship

"Heterosexual couples do not grapple with issues about roles, finances, ownerships, and social obligations in the same way as gay men do. The heterosexual couple that was concerned about acceptance by their mutual families was exceptional, whereas this was the rule for homosexual couples.... Heterosexual couples lived with some expectation that their relationships were to last "until death do us part," whereas gay couples wondered if their relationships could survive. Heterosexual couples have a wide variety of models for their partnerships -- Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, Ozzie and Harriet, Kramer and Kramer. Gay men have only the same heterosexual models, including their own families, which they may try to emulate but find unsuitable.... Non-gay people rarely question the rightness or wrongness of their sexual orientation, but at some point gay persons do." (p. 3)

It should be noted that Coming Out is not a single step, like high school graduation, or even a "clean" stage by stage progression. Often progression to one stage is temporary and regression to an earlier stage follows. Often one may be "Out" to friends but not to family. Often one may be satisfied with oneself but unable to find and maintain intimate relationships, thus preventing further growth.

What follows is a short summary of McWhirter and Madison's (1984) six stages of gay relationships. It should be noted that couples may form while the individuals are at any of the given stages. The individual members of the couple may also be at different stages of the coming out process.

Blending - Stage 1 - Year 1

This first stage in a couple's development entails the "unification" of the couple into a single unit. Each is very happy to have the other and to no longer feel isolated and alone. The couple spends most all their time together, experiences high limerence (romantic love), show high sexual activity, and attempt to equalize the relationship. This equalization process serves to help the couple negotiate responsibilities, rules, mutual goals, individual strengths and weaknesses.... It can be a very difficult time for couples, in that the two members of the couple are socialized in very similar ways. Males are supposed to be decision makers, bread winners, and dominant. Two men may have a hard time giving up control, negotiating responsibilities, learning to rely on and support each other, and being able to show each other their strengths as well as weaknesses.

Nesting - Stage 2 - Years 2 and 3

This second stage is characterized by homemaking, finding compatibility, declining limerence, and ambivalence. Homemaking serves to represent their commitment to each other. Finding compatibility requires accepting and learning to live with each other's differences, personality styles, needs, and goals. Issues of control, power, autonomy etc. can play an especially important role at this point. The loss of limerence (or the "end of the honeymoon") can result in a more realistic view of the relationship and can cause a weakening of the relationship or of the members' commitment to the relationship. This may result in some ambivalence, depression, or jealousy. Internalized homophobia, models about how relationships develop, isolation from role models, ideas about how couples act, what couples should do and not do... all come into play here.

Maintaining - Stage 3 - Years 4 and 5

This stage is characterized by the re-emergence of the individual, establishing traditions and customs, dealing with conflict, and taking risks. The members of the couple may re-assert their individual needs and deal with the conflicts that will result. The couple does not have the traditions provided by dating, engagement, marriage, and religion, and has to develop their own. They may settle into traditions around holidays, may wear rings, may deal with the issue of monogamy ... and increase the stability of the couple. Each member may express interest in new activities or hobbies that do not include the other, make friends outside the couple without the other, and make career changes or development. Each member may take risks by expressing something that they dislike about the other. This involves the risk of hurting the other, losing the relationship, and of admitting that one is not everything to one's spouse. The couple learns also to deal with disagreement, conflict, problems, and "standing differences of opinion." The couple may get through these hard times with the support of family, which McWhirter and Madison (1982) note, may only come after the couple has been together for three or so years.

Building - Stage 4 - Years 6 through 10

This stage is characterized by the settling of the last stage and the feeling of "dependability." The couple establishes the independence of the individual partners, but also reaches a new balance of dependence/ independence. They are now able to collaborate towards newer goals and desires, such as career building or pooled financial ventures. One partner who did the cooking for several years may turn the job over to the other partner and go back to school. This stage may also be marked by a comfortable complementarity, a decreased need to process every issue and discuss every decision, and the ability to "know what the other is thinking" in a conversation. This may also be detrimental if the communication process breaks down or if members make unwarranted assumptions about the relationship.

Releasing - Stage 5 - Years 10 through 20

In this stage the couple trust each other completely, after realizing who they are and who the other person is. There is no desire to "change" the other one. Close friendship and companionship are the main characteristics of this stage, as well as higher relationship quality (Kurdek, 1989). Money and resources are no longer shared so much as they are simply owned by both. Each member gives themselves freely to the other. The couple may however, begin to find life with each other as boring. They may begin to take each other for granted, may sleep apart, may find little pleasure in their accomplishments, and the individual members may experience the "mid-life crisis." However, after resolving this stage, the couple may move into the next stage.

Renewing - Stage 6

The could be called "the retirement" stage of the relationship. The couple has achieved adequate financial security and now has time for each other. As they move toward "old age" together issues of health may become important. Each individual may be concerned with his own health as well as the health of the other. Old friends may die at this stage as well. Issues of productivity, accomplishment, and meaning in life may become important. It should be noted that McWhirter and Madison compiled these stages before 1984, when AIDS was beginning to be identified in hospitals. Issues of health, dying, financial security, and loneliness become even more important during this stage in the 1990's. Lower self-esteem and depression may exacerbate already present feelings of estrangement from family (Lang, 1991). Issues and conflicts in this stage of the relationship conform to Erikson's "Integrity versus Despair" stage of psychosocial development.

The Coming Out Effect

So i am about to come out to my dad's side of the family. This side is a part om my heritage that has been scary. My dad's family is very domineering and it has been a struggle to feel comfortable and have that "family love" feeling. I have one immediate Aunt from that side she is the oldest of the siblings and is the matriarch of the family. I came out to her and she was kool with me. She told me that people would accept you as long as you are successful in life.
Okay before i continue let me explain how my dad's family is. They all live outside Africa for over 30 years. The men all live off one road here in my Home city. My aunt lives in the UK for over 40 years now. Ok now that is said i hope that their exposure in the "western" world would make them more receptive to my coming out. I  do not know how i am gonna do it, but i know i am ready to do it. I know one of my Uncle who is so African would be a major obstacle to the whole idea. He has this unspoken beef for my dad and mum but really do i care.

Speaking about coming out, the African experience is such that we are more worried on how our family would be treated by the community rather than how our family would treat us. Africa is such that a community controls the mindset of the individual. I know that immediate family would be accepting but they would be more concerned about how they would be looked at. I was brought up to please family and community but nit self. I was brought up where anyone older then you by age or educational class had the right to discipline me. The upbringing of an individual is a collective responsibility of  everyone from family to strangers. I remember playing on the streets and get into boy fights how strangers would come and intervene and even beat us. I say this because when issues of "taboo" happens it is usually the whole family that is affected not even the  person involved. I have seen a case when a girl got pregnant and the whole neighborhood knew and shunned the family.

 In USA things like these those not occur. The upbringign of an individual is either immediate family or the individual. Here anything really goes in terms of actions. I see how friends are out to their family and the only person who really is worried id their immediate family memebers. I see where people do not care about what happenes in your family,here it is mind your own business mentality. When i first came i had a culture shock on family values, seeing lots of Single mothers, baby papa drama, how sex here is like readily available knocked me off my feet. Over the years here i have been able to assimilate and fit in but not totally in.
 After all is said and done i know must start coming out to my family. Wish me the best bye for now.

WHO REALLY CARES

Who really cares about ones sexuality.
Who cares about what happens in the bedroom.
I come from a culture where men and women show affection without anyone scared. I grew up where men and women were separated from men. As children we played 'boys" game while girls stayed in. In High Schol for six years i showered with many guys at the same time. we slept together on the same bed or cramped together. We hold hands and hug each other. In social nights at school we danced with each other and all. Even as adult we still act the same.
I had a culture shock coming here. Where everything is the opposite, the interaction between male and female starts as early as day one. It is weird to shower together, to sleep together or show affection to one another. In Africa men do not cook, but here a man cook. In Africa men tie a piece of cloth around their waist like a skirt but here it would say gay. In Africa men dance shaking their booty up and down, like the New Orleans bounce here. In USA it would be considered gay for a guy to dance the same.
 I write because i get confused when people say "that so gay" or "don't be gay". I wonder if there is a checklist to be gay. All i know gay could mean very happy or gay sexual is attraction to the same sex. I am a man since u have a penis instead of a vagina. i am no wy a woman, i do not have any female genitals. I hate to be classified. I hate being asked if i am top or bottom who cares. I like sexual intercourse with a male it does not matter who is doing the poking as long as both parties are haivng a great time.
I am sleepy right now and tired of rambling. I would be back take care



BUT REMEMBER WHO REALLY CARES

Loneliness

Most times i wonder if I should die who would know. I am at that place where no one really cares about me. My roommate cares less if i am alive or dead, My family rarely checks on me. I have no real friends who care about my well being. I wonder where i am mist times. I have those who only worry when they need a favor from me. if i should die in my room how many days would it be before i am discovered. I always initiate all forms of communication. I am a person with emotions i keep saying. I might say little words when you meet me, but gradually i open up and let you in. I am in a state of severe loneliness, I want to reach out and touch and be touched.
 I wonder who really cares about me. My Aunty said that it is a gay person's life to be depressed and lonely. I do not want to let them know it is what i am going through so they would say i told you so. I rarely leave my house i so hate weekends because i do not have to go to work. I wish i worked 7 days a week, I do nothing on weekends just stay in doors and sulk for the whole two days, I do not get invited to anywhere or get visited. I get nothing. I am just a lonely African gay guy. I have been indoors all day and not seen another human being not even pet life. I am tired but what do i do. I hate the city and state i live in i so want to get out of this nightmare, but i love my job and the company.
I wonder is it because i am gay or is it just normal for people. I wonder is i was an opposite gender loving person would i be in a different state of mind. I wonder if i would have been married now and have kids like most of my "age mates". I want oi have all these but with the right guy. I want o have children a partner i can look into his eyes every day and say i love you. I want people to say hell i just called to make sure you are ok. I am young in age but i have gone through midlife and old age crises and i am not yet 30 years old or even 28 years old.

Loneliness is a very sensitive place to be in. I would not search for happiness in the wrong places and would not try to validate anything. I am still in that place and pray i get out one day.

Would I be loved

Right now i just write. I am going through so much emotions right now. I have been so single for like forever and each time i try dating i loose out. The irony of it all is that i always end up being friends with all my ex and those i try dating. I am writing this because i am so emotionally depressed about it all. I have never really experienced a true relationship and i long for one. I like i am in a fairy tale world and cursed to be single. I get more people interested in me sexually than reality. I need to be clear that i never go out to search for men at all no way. I would like to be loved and be loved. I am a good fellow all i ask is a chance to be you lover. I have no regret on being a friend. I do not know how long this would continue. I am so hurt and scared that i would never get the chance to be your lover and show you how much i care about you. I always get the losing end. I do not know if there is that special person or not. I do not know whether to love again or not. I really do not know what to feel or do anymore. I have been broken so many times that I feel it is normal to be broken. I wish i just get a chance to be a lover and to be loved. I am willing to sacrifice to be with you. Just a chance.

I am back and would start updating so much has happened since i last updated. There has been the partial victory in California. The news about a gay president in Somaliand in Africa. There has been documentary on the Uganda anti-gay movements. The Malawi Gay couple drama. This and lits more. I would be more committed now to this blog ok. Thanks for all the comments from my previous post.